so in this blog i also wanted to talk about last night and sorta vent if it came to that, and i feel like it will. lol. but i need to back track a few days to this weekend. i was talking to amanda telling her how much i miss the boys we went to hawaii with. i seriously had so much fun with them. and i think the one thing i was afraid of in coming home was that we wouldn't see each other. which would suck because i feel like i got so close to them, i mean come on i was with them for 17 days, that coming back and not seeing them would crush me. so we decided to find a day where we could hang out. so i text messaged TJ and we planned a hang out night tuesday (last night) when i got home from brandons house. so of course i'm super excited because i get to hang out with TJ. so we got to his house and just hung out for while (martha came with us). there were a ton of people there but they all kinda came and went. so then me, martha, amanda, tj and chris went swimming. we played this stupid game called submarine. it's like marco polo but it's not a call and response. someone is it, they have their eyes closed and they have to try and tag someone else. so the people who aren't it can be silent the whole time or make noises and mess around. but anytime you go under water you have to call submarine. i don't like games like that but played anyway. then we went in the spa and hung out. we talked about hawaii a lot and just messed around. then we went to denny's. we didn't leave tj's house to go there until 11. we were all exhausted but really hungry. and poor tj had a really bad head ache so being as hungry as he was didn't help any. we had sooo much fun though. chris makes me laugh like no other and i love being around tj... ya here comes the venting.
that boy. i seriously don't know what to do about him. he is such an amazing guy that liking him is killing me. last night when we were at dinner he was starving and got his food but didn't eat. so i was like tj, you're hungry and you don't feel good, eat! and he was like i'm waiting for everyone to get their food so we can pray. are you FREAKING kidding me. i couldn't tell you when i was at a restaurant with just my friends and we prayed before eating. i seriously felt like crying. and that boy just like pops scriptures out of his butt. i'm serious. just talking to him and you can tell how much he loves God and how much God is apart of his life. i love it. being around him is so encouraging. it makes me want my relationship with God to be better. sometimes i wish he wasn't such an amazing guy because that makes me like him even more. and being with him for 17 days in hawaii was almost torture but i loved every minute of it. seeing him with kids and how he interacts with them was killing me. he is so good with kids and they all loved him. just watching him you can tell that he is gonna be an amazing dad. and talking to him about relationships and what he wants in a wife or saying how a woman should be treated, you know that he's gonna be an amazing husband. it sucks that he's so amazing and that i like him as much as i do. it sucks because i honestly don't think he feels the same way about me. i talked to him once when we got back from hawaii, i initiated that conversation. then i talked to him thursday about hanging out, so i was the one to ask him to hang out. i doubt i'll talk to him before friday when we have our post missions party and i don't know when i'll talk to him after that. i really hope he invites me to do something. even if other people are gonna be there. i don't care. i just want to know that he wants to hang out with me enough to ask me himself and not wait for me to ask him to hang out. it's soooo hard. i really want him to be the guy for me. i would be so blessed if he was, but at this point i'm doubting if he is. i know that everything works out in God's timing so maybe he does like me it's just not the right time for us to be together. or maybe he doesn't like me right now but he will. or maybe he just doesn't like me and we aren't supposed to be together. i don't know what's going on but it's hard sitting here and waiting, not knowing what's gonna happen. i'm trying so hard to just trust in God with this but it's hard. i want to badly to just take things into my own hands and tell him. but i can't. i won't do that to myself, or to him. i won't take the power away from God and take this into my own hands. i've done that before. i don't want to ruin any chance of a friendship i have with tj. i just need to keep praying about it and keep seeking God. i know that things will work out the way He wants them to and i'll be blessed if i follow Him.
